Gössi's Official Icelandic Sheep Herding Survival Guide

As dictated by Gössi, Former Professional Icelandic Sheep Herding Horse, Current American Snack Consultant

Gössi: "Mom. Before you leave for Iceland, we need to talk."

Me: "Oh no."

The Mom: "About what?"

Gössi: "Your training."

The Mom: "My training?"

Gössi: "For the sheep herding trek. I've reviewed your qualifications."

The Mom: "And?"

Gössi: "Concerning."

Me: "Very."

The Mom: "I know how to ride."

Gössi: "This isn't riding. This is SHEEP."

The Mom: "Okay…"

Gössi: "Rule Number One: There is no such thing as one sheep."

The Mom: "What does that mean?"

Gössi: "You see one sheep standing peacefully on a hill. You think, 'Oh, how cute.'"

Stjarna: "Never trust cute."

Gössi: "Correct. Because behind that sheep are 47 more sheep, and every single one of them has made a different decision."

The Mom: "Got it."

Gössi: "No, you don't."

Me: "She absolutely does not."

Gössi: "Rule Number Two: Do not attempt to reason with a sheep."

The Mom: "I wasn't planning to."

Gössi: "You will."

Fróði: "She talks to us like we understand English."

Hermi: "She explains things."

Kommi: "Long explanations."

Me: "Sometimes with diagrams."

The Mom: "I do NOT."

Gössi: "Mom, the sheep does not care about your plan."

Stjarna: "Finally, someone said it."

Gössi: "The sheep has its own plan."

The Mom: "Which is?"

Gössi: "Usually something stupid."

Me: "I'm starting to understand sheep."

Gössi: "Rule Number Three: If everyone suddenly starts yelling in Icelandic, just keep riding."

The Mom: "What if I don't know what's happening?"

Gössi: "Nobody knows what's happening."

The Mom: "Even the guides?"

Gössi: "Especially the guides."

Me: "Comforting."

Gössi: "Rule Number Four: At some point, a sheep will break away from the herd."

The Mom: "What do I do?"

Gössi: "Go get it."

The Mom: "What if it runs up a mountain?"

Gössi: "Go up the mountain."

The Mom: "What if it goes through a river?"

Hermi: "LET IT GO."

Gössi: "Ignore Hermi."

Hermi: "That sheep has chosen its destiny."

Gössi: "Rule Number Five: Trust your horse."

The Mom: "I can do that."

Gössi: "Good. Because your horse has probably done this before."

The Mom: "And I haven't."

Gössi: "Exactly. So if you think you should go left and your horse thinks you should go right…"

The Mom: "Go right?"

Gössi: "Look at you learning."

Me: "She's practically Icelandic."

Gössi: "Let's not get carried away."

The Mom: "Anything else?"

Gössi: "Yes. Rule Number Six. If you fall off…"

The Mom: "Gössi."

Gössi: "…try not to land in sheep poop."

The Mom: "GÖSSI."

Stjarna: "Solid advice."

Kommi: "What if she lands ON a sheep?"

Gössi: "Then technically she's still mounted."

Me: "I cannot believe I'm part of this conversation."

Gössi: "Rule Number Seven: The weather will change."

The Mom: "I know."

Gössi: "No. You don't. Sunshine. Rain. Wind. Sideways rain. More wind. Something that feels personal. Sunshine again."

Fróði: "All before lunch."

Gössi: "Correct."

The Mom: "So layers?"

Gössi: "Yes. And snacks."

The Mom: "For me?"

Gössi: "Why does everyone keep asking that?"

Me: "Because somehow all your advice ends with you getting snacks."

Gössi: "I didn't survive Icelandic sheep herding by being stupid."

The Mom: "Last rule?"

Gössi: "Yes."

Gössi suddenly becomes very serious.

Gössi: "When you're up there in the mountains and there are hundreds of sheep moving around you…and the Icelandic horses are doing the job their ancestors have done for generations…"

The Mom: "Yeah?"

Gössi: "Remember something."

The Mom: "What?"

Gössi: "I did that."

Silence.

Gössi: "Before the Fritos."

Stjarna: "Before the daily naps."

Hermi: "Before the air-conditioned barn."

Kommi: "Before becoming a Viking Marshmallow."

Gössi: "I REGRET TELLING ANY OF YOU ABOUT MY PAST."

Me: "Anything you'd like The Mom to bring home from Iceland?"

Gössi: "Yes."

The Mom: "What?"

Gössi: "My dignity."

Stjarna: "They don't sell that at duty-free."

Me: "Meeting adjourned."

Gössi: "WAIT. I ALSO WANT FRITOS."